Respect

I have always understood the balance that is supposedly in place between students and teachers, and I convince myself that this balance is set in stone. You break a rule, you get in trouble, and then that's the end of it. But I have noticed that some teachers take it upon themselves to punish us in ways that hurt us. Not physically, but emotionally.

Today my boyfriend decided to come home with me during 4th block (I had a free block and he needed a ride home). We were waiting by the car pool lane for my mom to pick us up, just chatting as usual. He gave me a kiss on the lips, nothing too intimate or anything, it was brief and casual. Suddenly we hear a woman yelling over to us from across the parking lot. Neither of us could hear what she was saying, but we knew it was a teacher so we figured she was telling us to go to class. We called over to her, letting her know that we were waiting for a parent, we all were a bit confused at this point.

My boyfriend and I continued waiting, and as my mom pulled up he gave me another kiss, just like the one before, not inappropriate at all (especially for two 18-year-olds). We started heading for the car when suddenly we hear the same teacher yelling to us again and walking at a quick pace toward us. She was yelling, I had no idea why but I was terrified. I was so scared that I didn't even listen to what she was saying, I just immediately said "I'm sorry". And she yelled back "NO YOU'RE NOT SORRY! YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT!" My mother jumped out of the car and asked what the problem was. The woman replied "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS! THESE TWO ARE OVER HERE MAKING OUT AND I TELL THEM TO STOP! THEN I LOOK OVER AND THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" My mother explained that she saw what we did and we weren't "making out" but the woman kept yelling and insisting that we were being inappropriate. My mother told us both to get in the car, I climbed in in a heart beat. My boyfriend stayed out and apologized (it was his teacher and he would have to deal with her next class) not fully understanding why she was so angry and what we had done wrong. I was too distraught to hear what else was said, but eventually the woman left and we drove away.

I accept that this situation was mostly brought upon by misunderstanding, and if I were a teacher who thought I was being disobeyed I would also be angry. But this woman does not reserve the right to yell at me from across a parking lot (in front of other students and teachers who were standing with her) and tell me I had no self-respect for mildly kissing my boyfriend while no one was really around to see us. Even if we had been full-frontal-snogging, a teacher does not have the right to tell me I have no self-respect. She even continued yelling after I apologized, she yelled at my mother (who was only ten feet away from us) insisting that she knew what was happening from across a large parking lot (at LEAST 50 feet), she yelled at my boyfriend for no real reason.

This is something I see far too often. Teachers stray away from the prescribed form of punishment and decide to do what they see fit. Sometimes this can be good, sometimes bad. But in this situation, all it did was hurt. She felt that her authority had been challenged and plunged into an offensive position. She went too far, ignored that there is a proper way to handle this situation, and said very hurtful things that has potential to dramatically change one's self-esteem. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I felt dirty and slutty like I had done something very private in front of an audience.

The things I felt were completely legitimate were:
1. Her feeling that she had been disrespected
2. Her feeling that we should stop kissing (I still feel it was not inappropriate seeing how were were not around other people, were were about to leave campus, we're 18, we weren't actually in a classroom or building, it was brief and light, etc. But I can totally understand a teacher's discomfort).

The things she should not have done were:
1. Attempting to embarrass us by yelling at us in front of others.
2. Telling me I had no self-respect
3. Her anger level did not match the situation (I am allowed to kiss my boyfriend, I have to obey my teacher so I will stop if she says so, but she was immediately angered when she saw us. Why?)
4. Exaggeration by saying we were "making out".
5. Continuing to yell after we apologized multiple times (she shouldn't have yelled at all, but at least tone it down after we say sorry).

The worst part is I have heard about this teacher. She is a very angry person and thinks very highly of herself. She will freely discuss this with her colleagues and other students and I know they will only get to hear her side of the story. I have no idea who to go to, who would believe me-an adolescent teen girl with raging hormones- over a well-respected teacher? I don't even know what I would want the outcome to be if I went to someone about it. The best I would get is a sarcastic apology followed by a lecture on how I can't do "inappropriate" things on campus. And then this teacher will make the rest of my boyfriend's year with her a living hell. So I just have to accept her insults and move on I guess. But my confidence is hurt badly, I feel shame and embarrassment and insecurity. I have always been worried about looking indecent in public due to a past sexual assault, and while the teacher has no way of knowing that, she has no right to judge me this harshly. Teachers don't necessarily have to treat students with the same type of respect we have fore them, but they do have to treat us like human beings. They have to know that their words can hurt.

Mean Girls

In middle school I moved to Charlotte and was completely afraid of making new friends. I had a hard time the first couple of weeks, but eventually befriended a group of girls that had known each other since pre-school. I was kind of fifth-wheeling but I was just glad to have people to talk to and eat with at lunch. Things were pretty cool until I noticed something strange. Whenever one friend wasn't in the room, the others would talk about her. Very Mean Girls style. They would talk about her parents, her weight, the way she talked. I couldn't help but wonder if they'd say anything about me when I wasn't there. It was so uncomfortable to be in that situation especially when the bullying escalated and they would say horrible things to her face. It wasn't until high school that I started to put myself around people that were positive and made genuine friendships. I'm thankful to not have the target of bullying in that situation, and it helped me to identify it. Since then I've tried to stay away from toxic conversations and make a stand for people who are being targeted when they're not even there.

Health Class

There was a girl who had autism  in my health class in high school  Sometimes she would get upset about things that didn't seem like a big deal. One day we had a sub and the girl got really upset about something. She wasn't screaming or anything, she was just about to cry. The sub yelled at the girl and kicked her out of the room. I thought it was mean, but idk if the teacher realized the girl had autism. Still though. Anyway it would have just been over and done with if the sub didn't turn to the class and start talking crap about the girl. She was just like "that girl has a serious problem, she is always causing trouble and I am so sick of it blah blah blah" it was so mean. And what's worse is that most of the class was being ignorant and agreeing with her. They were like "I know right she's so annoying hahaha!" She didn't even send the girl to the office or anything she just had her sit in the hallway and miss class. It got me so upset I wish I had said something to that horrible teacher but then she would have gotten me in trouble too. I had her for another class and she was like that with a lot of students. It usually was just annoying but I felt she crossed the line when she treated the girl that way and then went on talking about her to the class.

A lot of ppl were mean to that girl. She had like a mild case of autism or something because a bunch of ppl "didn't know" she was autistic and they used that as an excuse to be mean to her. But because they never like yelled at her or hit her they were never called out. But idk, I feel like someone should have called them out because sometimes the teacher sees what they do and don't say anything to the kids. Now I try to let ppl know that the girl doesn't act that way to be rude and usually ppl are like "oh I didn't know" but idk I don't feel like that's an excuse anyway.

Heavy Girl

I don't know if I want to label this as bullying, but here goes.
I have never been the healthiest weight. I've always been on the heavy side. People are always telling me to not be insecure, but I know people look at me differently. It was always sort of subtle, two skinny girls would give each other a look if I said something remotely confident, or a boy would mumble something if I mentioned dating. I always felt there was an underlying tone of "I want you to think I want you to be confident, but I'm also disgusted by you. So you shouldn't be confident." Typical "the skinny man's burden  stuff.  Any other fatties will agree with me that no matter how much a skinny person says "you're beautiful just the way you are!" what they are really saying is "I don't think you're beautiful but maybe someone will someday! Be happy for that!"
People wave it off and and act like I'm over reacting because I'm insecure, but trust me, I know when I'm being judged. I guess this is the type of thing that is never actually considered bullying, and I had come to terms with that. I mean how do you report a "look" someone gave you? So to prove my point, here is one of the more obvious circumstances.
One day I was minding my own business chatting with my friend John. John and I were really good friends and he had recently come out to me which only made our friendship grow stronger. Since no one had any idea he was gay, they immediately assumed I had a crush on him (he was very attractive) and that I was following him around like a puppy. He started telling me how people were saying I was pathetic for trying so hard and how he would always defend me but it didn't seem to help. So anyway, we were in class and one of his guy friends comes up to us and says, very loudly "John are you going out with her?!" we both responded "no" and he said "good cause I was like," he looks me up and down, "ew."
And then he just walked away with a smirk on his face like he had done good. It was humiliating and no one but John showed any sympathy for me.
I know If I had reported that to any teacher they would have maybe given the guy a talking to which would have only made things worse.
I feel bad because I just sound like a whiny fat girl, but deep down I know that's just because people have told me all my life that I'm a whiny fat girl.

The Effects of Authority

I've cried several times at school, and in all cases but one it was because of a teacher. One teacher in particular stands out to me, my fourth grade teacher Ms. Pucci. Elementary school was rough for me. I was a little weird, a mostly quiet but when I spoke I had no filter. I was deeply self conscious and didn’t have many friends. So I wasn't the most confident or happy kid. My best subject was writing, so I was excited for our poetry unit. I remember Ms. Pucci going from desk to desk reading our poems and praising each one. She picked up my paper and looked at it for a while. “It’s good enough” she said with disdain. Math, my worst subject, was even worse. When I struggled with a topic she could have told me that if I kept working hard I’d be as good as the rest of the class. Instead she treated me like a lost cause, and I was convinced that she was right. She was the teacher, and to my 4th grade mind, the teacher was always right. What she really taught me was that I shouldn't have confidence in my abilities. That if I was good at something, I was probably kidding myself, and it I was bad at something I could never improve. She knew that no one in the class really liked me, but did nothing to make me feel more liked. I still drew her pictures like everyone else, hugged her at the end of the day like everyone else, but I remember feeling every day as if I was begging for her to forget whatever it was that I did to make her dislike me. 

I was bullied in elementary school (like many people) but what stuck with me was the teacher who bullied me. Her words and actions cut especially deep because they carried authority. Ms. Pucci was the first teacher who bullied me but she wasn't the last. I've dealt with many in the past nine years. This isn't something people discuss, and it should be because it does real damage.

Sarcastic Teacher

In eighth grade, I had a math teacher who taught Algebra 1 and I was in her class. I struggled in her class and often it was hard for me to grasp new concepts that I had not dealt with before since everything was new to me. She intimidated me and was very sarcastic to the students. Although I worked hard to understand the material, it took me longer than some of the other students. At the end of the school year we had to make our high school schedules and get the math class we wanted to take approved by our current math teacher. I had checked off that I wanted to move on to 'Geometry' instead of taking 'Algebra 1' Freshman year. When I presented it to her she looked at it and laughed in my face. I'll never forget the way she looked at me and said, "Are you serious? You're just like Taylor (another girl in my class), you just don't get it. I'm not signing off on this". I wanted to cry right there. I couldn't believe she was so rude to laugh in front of me and insinuate that I was dumb. 

Later, I got back my EOG score for Algebra 1 and I had got a great score. I took Geometry anyways and got an A. In high school I got As and Bs in math but I would say things like "I'm not good at math" even though I did well. It took me a long time to realize that I was good at math but I just had to have the right teacher and the right learning style for me. Teachers should never discourage students for trying to challenge themselves and they should never compare you to another student like that. Some words like that stick with students long after they are said.

The Unpopular Kid Doesn't Deserve to be Bullied

When I was in high school there was a student that no one liked and I admit that I disliked him as well. He was made fun of a lot and I think the teachers noticed it too. One teacher used this to his advantage and would make fun of the guy as well to make the rest of the class like him. The kid would just sit there as the teacher and students laughed at him and looking back I can't imagine what that would be like if it was me. I loved that teacher and that class but I don't think it was right what he did.