Respect

I have always understood the balance that is supposedly in place between students and teachers, and I convince myself that this balance is set in stone. You break a rule, you get in trouble, and then that's the end of it. But I have noticed that some teachers take it upon themselves to punish us in ways that hurt us. Not physically, but emotionally.

Today my boyfriend decided to come home with me during 4th block (I had a free block and he needed a ride home). We were waiting by the car pool lane for my mom to pick us up, just chatting as usual. He gave me a kiss on the lips, nothing too intimate or anything, it was brief and casual. Suddenly we hear a woman yelling over to us from across the parking lot. Neither of us could hear what she was saying, but we knew it was a teacher so we figured she was telling us to go to class. We called over to her, letting her know that we were waiting for a parent, we all were a bit confused at this point.

My boyfriend and I continued waiting, and as my mom pulled up he gave me another kiss, just like the one before, not inappropriate at all (especially for two 18-year-olds). We started heading for the car when suddenly we hear the same teacher yelling to us again and walking at a quick pace toward us. She was yelling, I had no idea why but I was terrified. I was so scared that I didn't even listen to what she was saying, I just immediately said "I'm sorry". And she yelled back "NO YOU'RE NOT SORRY! YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT!" My mother jumped out of the car and asked what the problem was. The woman replied "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS! THESE TWO ARE OVER HERE MAKING OUT AND I TELL THEM TO STOP! THEN I LOOK OVER AND THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" My mother explained that she saw what we did and we weren't "making out" but the woman kept yelling and insisting that we were being inappropriate. My mother told us both to get in the car, I climbed in in a heart beat. My boyfriend stayed out and apologized (it was his teacher and he would have to deal with her next class) not fully understanding why she was so angry and what we had done wrong. I was too distraught to hear what else was said, but eventually the woman left and we drove away.

I accept that this situation was mostly brought upon by misunderstanding, and if I were a teacher who thought I was being disobeyed I would also be angry. But this woman does not reserve the right to yell at me from across a parking lot (in front of other students and teachers who were standing with her) and tell me I had no self-respect for mildly kissing my boyfriend while no one was really around to see us. Even if we had been full-frontal-snogging, a teacher does not have the right to tell me I have no self-respect. She even continued yelling after I apologized, she yelled at my mother (who was only ten feet away from us) insisting that she knew what was happening from across a large parking lot (at LEAST 50 feet), she yelled at my boyfriend for no real reason.

This is something I see far too often. Teachers stray away from the prescribed form of punishment and decide to do what they see fit. Sometimes this can be good, sometimes bad. But in this situation, all it did was hurt. She felt that her authority had been challenged and plunged into an offensive position. She went too far, ignored that there is a proper way to handle this situation, and said very hurtful things that has potential to dramatically change one's self-esteem. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I felt dirty and slutty like I had done something very private in front of an audience.

The things I felt were completely legitimate were:
1. Her feeling that she had been disrespected
2. Her feeling that we should stop kissing (I still feel it was not inappropriate seeing how were were not around other people, were were about to leave campus, we're 18, we weren't actually in a classroom or building, it was brief and light, etc. But I can totally understand a teacher's discomfort).

The things she should not have done were:
1. Attempting to embarrass us by yelling at us in front of others.
2. Telling me I had no self-respect
3. Her anger level did not match the situation (I am allowed to kiss my boyfriend, I have to obey my teacher so I will stop if she says so, but she was immediately angered when she saw us. Why?)
4. Exaggeration by saying we were "making out".
5. Continuing to yell after we apologized multiple times (she shouldn't have yelled at all, but at least tone it down after we say sorry).

The worst part is I have heard about this teacher. She is a very angry person and thinks very highly of herself. She will freely discuss this with her colleagues and other students and I know they will only get to hear her side of the story. I have no idea who to go to, who would believe me-an adolescent teen girl with raging hormones- over a well-respected teacher? I don't even know what I would want the outcome to be if I went to someone about it. The best I would get is a sarcastic apology followed by a lecture on how I can't do "inappropriate" things on campus. And then this teacher will make the rest of my boyfriend's year with her a living hell. So I just have to accept her insults and move on I guess. But my confidence is hurt badly, I feel shame and embarrassment and insecurity. I have always been worried about looking indecent in public due to a past sexual assault, and while the teacher has no way of knowing that, she has no right to judge me this harshly. Teachers don't necessarily have to treat students with the same type of respect we have fore them, but they do have to treat us like human beings. They have to know that their words can hurt.

Mean Girls

In middle school I moved to Charlotte and was completely afraid of making new friends. I had a hard time the first couple of weeks, but eventually befriended a group of girls that had known each other since pre-school. I was kind of fifth-wheeling but I was just glad to have people to talk to and eat with at lunch. Things were pretty cool until I noticed something strange. Whenever one friend wasn't in the room, the others would talk about her. Very Mean Girls style. They would talk about her parents, her weight, the way she talked. I couldn't help but wonder if they'd say anything about me when I wasn't there. It was so uncomfortable to be in that situation especially when the bullying escalated and they would say horrible things to her face. It wasn't until high school that I started to put myself around people that were positive and made genuine friendships. I'm thankful to not have the target of bullying in that situation, and it helped me to identify it. Since then I've tried to stay away from toxic conversations and make a stand for people who are being targeted when they're not even there.